In my family, I’m the peanut butter and jelly between two pieces of bread. The cream cheese schmeared on a bagel. The baloney on rye.
I’m not only a boomer, I’m part of the sandwich generation, which is code for you-worry-about-everyone.
Last week was a time of heightened anxiety for me when a variety of maladies converged on several family members on both slices of the sandwich. With my nerves jangling like the Salvation Army Christmas bells, I knew I had to calm down and find a way to laugh, since laughter is the best medicine as we all know.
Thank goodness for humorist Vikki Claflin, whose new book, Who Left the Cork Out of My Lunch? got thrown in my bag before I left for the hospital. It turned out to be my lifesaver.
And P.S., everyone is OK now.
Who Left the Cork Out of My Lunch? Middle Age, Modern Marriage & Other Complications
I am a faithful follower of Vikki’s blog, Laugh Lines, because her essays consistently make me laugh. They are simply side stitch-inducing hilarious. She’s got a wicked sense of humor, that one.
Her latest book is a collection of these essays and now that I’ve read them all, I think Vikki’s book is better than Prozac.
Vikki’s sizzling wit skewers topics such as marriage, fashion, makeup, bodily functions, ex-husbands, Spanx and midlife foibles. She’s a gifted writer who can zero in on the funny side of life and bring it to life … and nail it, every time.
Paraphrasing Vikki’s gems would be a disservice because no one can tell it quite like she can. So I offer you some of my favorites verbatim, straight from Who Left the Cork Out of My Lunch?
The 12 Stupidest Love Songs, Ever
Don’t Know Much About History (Sam Cooke) “Don’t know much about history, don’t know much about biology. Repeat for science, French, geography, trigonometry, algebra, and the nefarious slide rule … “But if I could be with you, what a wonderful world it would be.” Seriously, dude? You just admitted to being on the wrong side of the Stupid bell curve, and yet somehow you think we’re going to hook up and have a fab life together? Here’s a thought. Get your GED, get a job, and lose my number.
Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad (Meat Loaf) “I want you, I need you, but there ain’t now way I’m ever gonna love you. Now don’t be sad cuz two out of three ain’t bad” followed by an entire verse lamenting the one that got away, but whom he never got over. Well, gee, Mr. Loaf. While I appreciate your only slightly arrogant offer and the assumption that I’d be grateful for two-thirds of your awesomeness, I think I’d rather date your ex-girlfriend.
24 Things Women Want in the Pre-Nup (No, They’re Not About Money)
- Repeatedly leaving the toilet seat up is the male equivalent of the female “Not tonight, dear. I have a headache.” It means nobody’s getting any tonight.
- Borrowing my car and returning it with the gas gauge on “E” tells me it’s been too long since we’ve had a good fight.
- Yes, I know you hate the songs on my iPod. That’s why they call it an “I” Pod. Get your own.
- Throwing all my delicates into the dryer on High isn’t “helping with the laundry.”
12 Reasons Sex is Better After 50
- We can finally put four-inch stilettos where they belong. In the bedroom. And we’re putting them on in bed, because limping to the bedroom, yelling, “Ouch, ouch, ouch!” is not foreplay.
- We worry less about having a perfect body. Yep, boobs are swaying like palm fronds in a tropical windstorm and cellulite makes our thighs look like five-pound bags of rice, but he hasn’t seen the six-pack abs of his youth for at least two decades.
- We tend to go to bed earlier, which also means earlier sex. After years of youthful and often alcohol-induced “Oh my God, it’s 2 a.m., and I’ve got to work tomorrow,” sex, we’ve discovered that 8 p.m. and sober is great, too. Who knew?
From MILF to Middle-Age. 25 Signs It’s Happened to You
- Your plastic surgeon asks, “Why did you wait so long?” and offers a complimentary lip procedure with your tummy tuck because, well, he cares about you.
- Waiters and store clerks no longer ask you for your ID, even as a flirty joke. And if you suggest it, they just look confused.
- We still work out, but the parts we used to skip (the warm-up, the cool-down, and the stretching) are now the reason we’re there. Yesterday’s spinning class is now Tai Chi, often followed by a nap.
- When you lament the passage of your youth, you’re talking about your forties.
There is much, much more to giggle over, nod in affirmation with, and share with your girlfriends, while basking in the glow of knowing you’re not the only midlife woman plucking chin hairs.
Who Left the Cork Out of My Lunch? is available for pre-order on Jan 12, 2016 and will release Feb. 14. You can find it (and absolutely should) on Amazon. Barnes & Noble, and iTunes.